The Comparison Trap
Hey guys, Joscelyn here! As many of you know I always have a lot of words to say. So naturally I signed up to help write the blog😀. However, for this entry specifically, I will step away (mostly) from the jokes, to talk about something that is always on my heart, in my mind and seemingly tied to everything I do both in and out of the studio. So strap in. The road gets a little bumpy from here.
COMPARISON.
Someone very wise and dear to me likes to remind me, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Those words couldn’t be closer to the truth. So many times my joy for dance or singing or any other things I am passionate about has been squashed by the constant looming shadow of comparison. So many nights I have found myself in my room in a good ol’ puddle of tears because this seemingly small concept has pushed me so far down I’m clambering for even the slightest ledge to grasp onto. In life (and especially in today’s times, it’s so easy to compare ourselves to others. Whether it’s by the car they drive (or even just if they have one), the clothes they wear, the job they have, how good they are at something, etc.
It’s SO. DANG. EASY.
And I mean I know that the spirit of comparison can come from a place of dissatisfaction, self-deprecation, and even trauma. I also know that comparison isn’t always bad. It helps us to be better, push harder, and reach for goals and dreams that we otherwise may have never attempted. However, what happens when you tip just over the cusp of where it is a positive thing, and suddenly you're drowning in an endless pool of overly critical thoughts. Or when you're suddenly questioning your worth or If you belong wherever it is that you are. How do you take constructive criticism and keep it just that, constructive. How do you stop overthinking something as small as your placement in a dance routine and avoid that seemingly imminent pit of questions that just get worse the deeper you fall? Honestly I’m still trying to figure this out. But I do know that by writing this for you guys it forces me to (even if just for a moment) face it. Find ways that can help anyone who reads this navigate this tricky terrain. My hope is that this will encourage even just one person who is in a similar spot as me. Cause if you are, you’re not alone. I see you, and I understand you.
So, now for some background. Unlike most of the general dance population, I missed the typical formative years of training. I didn’t start dancing until 2017. And it wasn’t even the normal thing people typically start with (ballet). But once I did… It was good luck to anyone who could convince me that this wasn’t where I was supposed to be. This incredible organization, ya know the one you’re reading this lovely little blurb from, this is where I got my start. Like all other things in my life, God brought me here. He knew what I needed. Now I wasn’t new to performing. I had been singing my whole life, did musical theater, and I was a cheerleader. Being a performer was in my blood. But at that same time, hip hop? That was kind of new. And to level with you, the pressure of being an African American and not just naturally having the ability to “get down” was pretty strong. But one thing about me, I’m determined. And when I want something I WILL get it. So I worked hard. Took classes every day, I was in whatever space RUD was in as much as I could be. Helped with any and everything that was available. I put so much time into the space that had sparked a new fire, a new dream, a new ME (and surprise surprise I’m still doing that exact thing haha). But the real question is what changed? When did this twisted level of comparison sneak in? When did I stop having full fledged and unwavering confidence in what I dreamed I could do?
I’m not sure I could put a date or time on it, but I can say that whenever I realized what I was truly up against. Or rather when the dreams that seemed to be far in the distance suddenly seemed attainable. But to be honest, I think that that's how it always has been. I’ll be really good at something and have all these people telling me how great I am. But then I’ll reach a certain point where the voices of support fade no matter how loud they scream. All I can hear, all I can see, is what I’m lacking. What I missed out on. What I need to catch up on. And then, I. Get. Stuck. Somehow it’s worse when it comes to dance. I don’t think that I’ve ever wanted to succeed in something as strongly as I do with dance. The way that it makes me feel, the way that I can make others feel, the stories I can tell, the characters I can portray, the music I can bring to life… In all of the things I have done, nothing has hit me like dance has. And so I think somewhere within all that, somewhere along the way where it truly became serious for me, I started taking notice of those around me with similar goals in mind. And seeing how amazing they were. Noticing how clean, expressive, and seemingly perfect they were. And suddenly I felt…less than. I no longer felt good enough. I’ve now found myself in a place where improving has taken precedence over any and everything else when I’m dancing because I constantly compare myself to others, and only noticed where I lack. Forget what strengths I have. Forget all things that I do or have done to try and put myself ahead. Forget how hard and tirelessly I work. At times, that doesn’t even seem to matter.
Even now, with my recent foray into K-Pop, something that most days has me feeling like I've finally found out where I belong. A genre of music and dance where I now suddenly have a concrete idea of what I want to be. A set goal I want to achieve (heck I’m learning a whole new language for this thing!) And yet, I still find myself in that similar rut many nights…
In all honesty, sometimes this mindset of comparison can one to pull away from others, and put them in a state that makes it hard to give others their flowers. And that’s not cool. It’s a lonely place to be.
So how does one stop that?
That same wise person that gave me the quote that inspired this whole thing spat another piece of wisdom: “The mind has to stop to hear what the mouth has to say.” So basically the SECOND you find yourself in one of these seemingly endless ruts, speak some encouraging words out loud. Shoot, sometimes all you need to say out your mouth is “STOP!” And realize that you are in fact good enough. You are worth it. God didn’t create some mid individual who was meant for the mediocre. He created this perfect creation who was meant for things beyond what anyone could ever think up. Nothing is impossible. Once you know and stop those negative thoughts, your next words need to be something else that is truth-filled. Not the lies you were telling yourself.
Realize that your giftings are different from the person next to you. Even if you are both doing the same thing career wise, it’s gonna look different on you than it does on them. There are many different paths to a single destination.
It’s okay to look at someone and aspire to adopt certain qualities they have. But recognize the greatness that is within yourself FIRST, before you go on trying to take on a positive quality that someone else has. Be FULLY confident in the person you were created to be and KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Get out of your head and be present in your craft. The longer you stay in those thoughts, the more your craft will suffer. The harder it will be to rise and elevate yourself. Pour those feelings and emotions into something creative, instead of letting them simmer and fester. Process it, don’t prolong it.
Find your people. Surround yourself with people who you not only trust with your feelings, but people who you can count on to tell you exactly what you need to hear. Find those who not only understand where you are, but also know where you have the potential to be.
And lastly. Remind yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. Why did you start? What made you first fall in love with it? Bring yourself back to those first moments. Those precious feelings. Remind yourself of them daily. Let that be your driving force. Because then where you measure up to others won’t even matter. Your “Why” will.
It’s not easy to apply even just one of the things listed above. But making that daily effort to try will make a world of difference. My joy is precious. When it’s gone, what’s left can be pretty ugly. So I must protect it at all costs. Protect YOUR joy.
I hope that what I have shared here today can encourage someone. We all to some degree struggle with comparison. Thank you for reading this outpour from my heart. Until next time,
Joscelyn Barker, signing off 🧡
